Sweeping conflict under the rug has never been my style, and perhaps this is why I’ve always abided by the cliché that you should never go to bed angry with your partner. So imagine how blindsided I was when my husband recently decided not to resolve a disagreement before bed for the first time. Instead of talking things through, he kissed me goodnight before enviously drifting off to sleep while I simmered in my rage until 2 o’clock in the morning.
To go to bed at odds with one another threw me for a loop. I felt guilty over seemingly breaking the “golden rule” of all successful relationships. Yet, after groggily dragging myself out of bed the next morning, I wondered: Is it actually that bad to go to bed angry with your partner? I asked three relationship experts to get to the bottom of this. Ahead, their answers to these questions, along with where the sentiment “never go to bed angry” comes from, why it can do more harm than good, and what to do instead.
Where did the “never go to bed angry” advice come from anyway?
Anyone who’s ever had the displeasure of going to bed angry knows how much those unresolved negative emotions can fester overnight—and how much they can linger well into the next day. When this happens, your well-being is not only impacted, but you’re also more likely to be distracted at work and during social obligations. According to Dr. Brooke Keels, Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy, this is why we’re taught to “never go to bed angry” with our partners. The idea is that resolving conflict before bed will not only allow you both to start the next day fresh but also prevent negative emotions from lingering and spiraling out of control.
“Is forcing a solution before bedtime, in the heat of the moment, really what’s best for your relationship? I’m not so sure.”
Additionally, Dr. Keels explained that it’s easier to sleep better when no unresolved issues are weighing on your mind. Plus, sleeping better allows you to show up as a better person and partner; you’re able to think more clearly and won’t be as moody and prone to lashing out when you’ve got the proper amount of rest. But still, is forcing a solution before bedtime, in the heat of the moment, really what’s best for your relationship? I’m not so sure.
Why never going to bed angry can do more harm than good
The reasons for it might be legitimate, but never going to bed angry with your partner is better in theory than in practice. Sex and Love Coach Suzannah Weiss said the reality is that resolving an issue with your partner just to avoid going to bed angry can do more harm than good—especially if you’re not actually resolving it. “Sometimes we can fall into the trap of thinking that just because we’ve talked something over, we’ve resolved it,” Weiss said. Certified Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist Gigi Engle echoes this. She explained that moving on to keep the peace can lead to resentment in the long run, and this can be detrimental to your relationship. It can create a wedge between you and your partner and, in turn, lead to a breakdown in communication and emotional intimacy.
What’s more, not all problems can be solved in one evening, and pretending otherwise only does you and your partner a disservice. “We need to learn to sit with our uncomfortable feelings and allow ourselves to feel the full weight of what we’re experiencing,” Engle said. “It might mean not having a restful night’s sleep—but it’s better than just sweeping something away because that can be invalidating.”
Lastly, sometimes you don’t even know what you’re mad about in the heat of an issue. Maybe you’re trying to prove a point, or maybe this is a way for you to release pent-up emotion over another issue that doesn’t involve your partner. Regardless of the reason, this is why taking a step back can be so helpful, especially when the argument is spiraling and going around in circles. Taking a step back allows you to understand your feelings so you can resolve the true issue at hand.
What to do if you’re about to go to bed angry
Trying to resolve anything is practically impossible when emotions are running high. So, the first thing you should do is take a step back. Weiss recommends using this time to perform a bedtime task, like brushing your teeth or putting on your PJs. Shifting your attention elsewhere will take your mind off the argument and help you calm down. And this, in turn, might give you a new perspective; you might find that you’re misdirecting your anger toward your partner or discover a new way to discuss the issue calmly and logically. “If you are actually listening to each other and getting somewhere, it may be worth it to resolve the issue before you go to bed,” Weiss said. Just keep in mind that you might be up past your bedtime if you do this.
“Not all problems can be solved in one evening, and pretending otherwise only does you and your partner a disservice.”
Alternatively, if you find that you are angry with or at your partner, don’t waste your beauty sleep arguing about it late into the night. Rather, schedule a time to talk about the problem the following day, like after work, during lunch, and so forth. “Let your partner know that you need time to process and think and calm down,” Engle explained.
No matter what you decide, Dr. Keels suggests making an effort to end the day on a positive note. This might mean kissing each other goodnight after agreeing to talk the next day, watching your show together in bed, and so forth. Ending the day positively will allow you to still come together and remind one another that you have each other’s back—regardless of whether you’re mad. In the most ironic twist of all, this will prevent you from both going to bed angry and sweeping the issue under the rug.
So, should you never go to bed angry?
While the sentiment of never going to bed angry is a nice one, the truth is that it’s an unrealistic relationship standard. “Some people need time to process or marinate after a disagreement,” Engle told me. “Ignoring this and forcing yourself to forgive (and often the expectation is to forget) can put a lot of pressure on partners.”
Of course, none of this is to say that you can’t resolve conflict before bed—because you absolutely can. “For me, the sentiment ‘never go to bed angry’ does hold some weight, but it’s not a hard and fast rule for every situation,” Dr. Keels explained. After all, some arguments are easier to handle than others. An argument over who’s taking out the trash will likely get resolved before bed, whereas an argument over money might have to be tabled until the following day.
Ultimately, it is up to you and your partner to decide how to handle conflict. If that means never going to bed angry, great! But if it means giving yourself time and space to process your emotions, that’s fine, too. Relationship rules aren’t one-size-fits-all, and you should never avoid conflict for the sake of not going to bed mad at your partner—that will backfire. Instead of trying to live up to societal relationship standards, give yourself and your partner grace to deal with conflict maturely and productively. When it comes down to it, how you both feel when you go to bed is no one’s business but yours.
Experts Consulted
MEET THE EXPERT
Dr. Brooke Keels, Ph.D., LPC-MHSP, LPC-Supervisor
Dr. Brooke Keels is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Mental Health Service Provider Designation and Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor who holds a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy. She’s currently the Chief Clinical Officer at Lighthouse Recovery, where she oversees a myriad of programs, including Family Therapy Programs.
MEET THE EXPERT
Suzannah Weiss
Suzannah Weiss is a Sex and Love Coach, author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject, and Resident Sexologist for Biird, a female-led, pleasure positive brand. She has written for publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and New York Magazine, and worked as an editor at Teen Vogue. Weiss also holds a Master of Professional Studies in Sexual Health, as well as a Bachelor of Science in Cognitive Neuroscience and a Bachelor of Arts in Gender & Sexuality Studies and Modern Culture & Media.
MEET THE EXPERT
Gigi Engle
Gigi Engle is a Certified Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist and Resident Intimacy Expert at dating app, 3Fun. Her writing has appeared in numerous outlets, including Marie Claire, Brides, Elle Magazine, Marie Claire, Teen Vogue, Glamour, and Women’s Health. Her book, All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide To Sex, Love, and Life, is the ultimate sex-talk book, demystifying female sexuality without any of the awkwardness of “the talk,” providing readers with no-nonsense advice and guide on how to live your sexy AF, fabulous life.
