Christopher Horwood
Hosting and being hosted is a practice as old as time, and we’ve been discussing the surrounding protocol for almost as long. It was an Ancient Roman playwright, Titus Maccius Plautus, who famously compared a guest to fish, saying “after three days it stinks” – a rule we’ve mostly been upheld over the intervening millennia. But there are plenty of other aspects to think about besides, along with considerations of decorum. And there’s no better time to do it than now, when we’re on the cusp of opening our homes to incoming merriment – or launching ourselves forth to overnight at other people’s houses in the name of seasonal cheer.
For instance, should a host give up a family bathroom to guests, thus incurring children traipsing through their bedroom to use their ensuite? Or turn up the dial on the thermostat because a guest hasn’t packed sufficient layers? Is a guest meant to say ‘yes’ to everything, even if they loathe charades, and can think of nothing worse than an eight mile walk and outdoor picnic in December? None of us want to be the person that guests desert earlier than expected, only to later hear on the grapevine that it was because they were uncomfortable and starving. We also don’t want to be the guest that hosts are longing to get rid of after only a few hours and vow never to invite to stay again. To which end, we’ve consulted some of the most hospitable people we know to put together the ultimate guide on getting it right.
Attitude
Not everybody is a natural host – or guest (to which end, do remember that an invitation is not a summons) – and what is apparent is that the best hosts don’t view it as an ordeal to be got through. “We really look forward to it. Day-to-day interactions can be so brief – having people to stay at our house in Scotland is when we really get to see friends properly,” says Jenny Simpson, Design Director of Chelsea Textiles. “I love it,” says Gavin Houghton, and proving his point is the fact that he now professionally hosts painting holidays at La Di Dar, his house in Tangier.
But alongside, guests also have a responsibility. There is popular belief in the merit of ‘being your whole self’ – but if you are feeling Christmas-stressed and overwrought, the preferred approach is more probably ‘fake it ‘til you make it.’ (There is an exception to this rule, which is when people have invited you to come and stay because they know you’re going through a hard time.) Essentially – and ideally – host(s) plus guest(s) equals joyful intent. Or, in the words of Daniel Slowik, “a good house guest brings the party but doesn’t demand one.”
Does the three-day rule still apply?
“Yes!” is the common consensus albeit with some exceptions. “Really good friends are welcome for as long as they like,” says Gavin. “I think you can push to a week if people have put in a big effort and incurred expense in coming,” says Jenny, i.e. distance makes a difference. “Christmas is the exception,” states Wendy Nicholls, Chairman of Sibyl Colefax & John Fowler (though her suggestion of “arrive at teatime on Christmas Eve, and leave the day after Boxing Day, after breakfast,” only very gently nudges the three-day limit.) “I think you can push it for family,” says Mary Graham of Salvesen Graham – though she qualifies it, suggesting that from that point, guests might need to take care of themselves a bit so that the host can have “time out.” Of which more, later. Arguably, it also depends on space. Lengthy stays become trickier for everyone when the sitting room is being employed as a bedroom, unless everybody is very relaxed. (And some are.)
The Present, also known as the ‘Hostess Gift’
“I would never turn up anywhere empty handed,” says Jenny – but ideas on the present vary. “Bring Christmas gifts and lots of champagne. No other edibles,” says Wendy – whereas Jenny appreciates ‘edibles’ that have been brought to augment a collective good time. A large box of chocolates “is always nice to get out after supper,” or something that might be traditional for the guest; “if you’re coming for Christmas, and you always have panettone, bring one!”
Some presents might involve checking with the host first – for instance, smart Christmas crackers for everybody is a lovely gesture, but less lovely if you’re doubling up. Gavin reports that his guests often ring him from the airport duty free, “and that can be quite useful as with Morocco being a Muslim country, bottles of gin or vodka can be hard to get.”
