As a self-proclaimed empath (Aquarius, here), I can’t help but put others first. I’ll make sure everyone else around me is comfortable, well-fed, and having fun before giving any thought to myself. You could say I have a lot to learn from Miley Cyrus; I don’t recall a time I’ve ever bought myself flowers or written my name in the sand, and you’d never find me talking to myself for hours (save for a couple of affirmations here and there). I enjoy treating my favorite people to gifts and paying them compliments.
In love language lingo dubbed by Dr. Gary Chapman in his best-selling book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (AKA the philosophy that embodies five different ways we give and receive love), I show my love for others through gift-giving and words of affirmation. But there’s a powerful way I haven’t known to use my love languages, and no one’s really talking about it. When you examine how you naturally express love to others, it can also point to how you can best give love to yourself. While we may look to love languages for insight and guidance in our interpersonal relationships, the relationship you have with yourself may actually be the most important one of all (sub in Carrie Bradshaw voiceover for dramatic effect). Ahead, I asked psychologists to explain self-love love languages, how to find yours, and how to use it most effectively. Here’s to love not getting lost in translation when showing yourself TLC.
What is a Self-Love Love Language?
“A self-love love language is how we show care, kindness, and appreciation to ourselves—the same concept of love languages devised by Dr. Gary Chapman for relationships,” explained Dr. Sham Singh, MD, a psychiatrist at WINIT Clinic. “Though Dr. Chapman’s idea initially meant to describe how we relate to others, it applies powerfully to our relationship with ourselves. Whether it’s through words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, knowing how we best care for ourselves helps us build a stronger emotional foundation and grow the overall mental health of our lives.”
Kristin Papa, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Living Openhearted Therapy and Wellness, shared that just as we have preferred ways of receiving love from others, we also have natural inclinations for how we best nurture ourselves. So by identifying your self-love love language, you have a clearer picture of how to fill your own well-being cup. “Knowing your self-love language helps to bring clarity to what truly feeds you on an emotional level to help you focus your time on meaningful practices, not general advice,” Dr. Singh said. “This will make you consistent with self-care habits, thus building self-compassion, managing your level of stress, and building resilience toward life’s challenges.”
Why Understanding Your Self-Love Love Language Matters
Personal empowerment
According to both Dr. Singh and Papa, the benefits of recognizing your self-love love language come down to being better in tune with your emotional needs and the ways to satisfy them purposefully. In essence, you learn to take care of yourself with the same consideration as that of a close friend. “This awareness helps cultivate self-confidence by providing specific, personalized tools for self-soothing during difficult times,” Papa said. “Leaning into our self-love language to care for ourselves helps us build emotional resilience so we can honor our needs without judgment.”
Improved mental health
Engaging in self-love practices that cater to your love language creates a positive feedback loop; by consistently meeting your own needs, you enhance your self-worth and create a stable foundation for self-support. Papa agreed, claiming that you reduce emotional dependency on others and enhance your ability to practice healthy emotion regulation: “Practicing your self-love language can help you build self-trust and thus foster healthier self-dialogue patterns to combat negative self-talk.”
For example, words of affirmation can serve as an antidote to negative self-talk, while acts of service might make your life and daily routine less overwhelming and easier to manage. “These personalized acts of kindness to oneself further boost your sense of worthiness and confidence for the betterment of your emotional well-being and protection against self-critical remarks,” Dr. Singh said.
Stronger relationships
When you’re truly aligned with your needs and how best to fulfill them, you can then fully and authentically give and receive love (cue the saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup”). Dr. Singh pointed out that the importance of self-love lies in helping you vocalize your emotional needs and setting a benchmark on how you want to be treated within the context of a relationship. “When someone is practicing self-love, they are more likely to approach other people from their fullness rather than incompleteness; therefore, a healthier and well-balanced relationship is much more feasible,” he said.
The 5 Types of Self-Love Love Languages
While the five types of love languages are meant to provide insight into the different ways to communicate love between partners, Papa emphasized that each can serve as self-love opportunities to recognize our own self-worth.
Words of affirmation
AKA empowering self-talk, words of affirmation promote self-worth. By repeating positive affirmations, you rewire your brain and make it easier for the mind to return to them and positive thinking patterns rather than returning to old negative chatter, which can lead to enhanced confidence.
Examples: “I’m worthy of love,” I’m doing my best, and that is enough,” “My body is perfect in the way it’s intended to be.”
Acts of service
Whether it’s taking action ahead of time to help make your life easier, reduce your stress, or improve your mental or physical health, acts of service mean you show up for your future self’s well-being and needs. With this self-love type, actions speak louder than words.
Examples: scheduling doctor’s appointments, delegating tasks at work and/or home, organizing your space, meal prepping nourishing meals
Receiving gifts
If receiving gifts speaks to you the most, a gift—be it a tangible item or an experience, big or small—is a visual representation of love. It’s a symbolic gesture of your belief in your own worth and value. Treating yourself to something that nurtures you, reflects your values, and enriches your life means providing for and celebrating yourself rather than waiting or depending on someone else to do it.
Examples: buying yourself flowers, taking yourself on a solo trip, purchasing the designer bag you’ve been eyeing, taking a class that’ll further your side hustle
Quality time
With quality time as your self-love love language, spending time in solidarity screams, “I love me.” Whether you choose to use your “me” time for reflection, hobbies, or peaceful activities, focusing on being present and getting to know more about yourself can cultivate increased self-awareness, enhanced creativity, and reduced stress.
Examples: having a Gilmore Girls marathon, taking yourself on a coffee date, trying a guided meditation, reading a new book
Physical touch
Physical touch as your self-love love language can take the form of self-soothing practices, like putting your hand over your heart and taking deep breaths, eating a warm, comforting meal, or engaging in self-pleasure—anything to physically feel loved and appreciated. By promoting mindfulness, incorporating touch into your life can help release oxytocin (AKA the “love hormone”), alleviate stress, calm your nervous system, and foster a deeper sense of connection with yourself.
Examples: DIY-ing a lymphatic massage, engaging in gentle exercise or yoga, using a weighted blanket
How to Discover Your Self-Love Love Language
Take a quiz
To discover your primary self-love love language, you can take this or this quiz (or both and compare notes!). They’ll guide you in considering how you show affection to yourself. You may find that you have more than one self-love love language, or you may have a dominant love language along with secondary ones, but we all have one that stands out.
Reflect on past experiences
When figuring out how to find your love language, Dr. Singh recommended reflecting on what makes you feel valued and cared for in your relationships. Consider when you feel happiest, most at peace, or most loved. Do compliments light you up? Do you appreciate when your SO does the dishes without asking? Does being touched bring you comfort and help you decompress? Paying attention to your preferences, along with trying different self-care practices, can reveal how you connect best with yourself.
Observe how you show love to others
Often, the way you express love to others is similar to how you should nurture yourself. So notice how you show your appreciation toward the people you value the most. Do you say, “I love you,” by picking up dinner for you and your partner after they’ve had a long day? Are you the one who always sends inspo quotes in the group chat? Is it your first inclination to hug it out when you’re trying to comfort your sister? Your answers will be telling signs of your dominant self-love love language.
How to Nurture Your Self-Love Love Language
Add practices to your daily routine
Dr. Singh suggested weaving meaningful practices into your daily schedule. “The key to consistency is that small, intentional acts of self-love build up over time to reinforce self-esteem and well-being,” he said. “Making them a habit ensures [you’re] continuously replenishing [your] emotional reserves.”
If words of affirmation resonate, start the day with positive self-talk or gratitude journaling. For quality time, schedule intentional moments of mindfulness or activities you enjoy (maybe it’s waking up earlier to savor a cup of coffee or listening to a podcast while you take your time getting ready). If acts of service speak your (love) language, make it a point to check off your to-do list at the end of the day. Is receiving gifts your thing? They don’t have to cost anything: Write yourself a note to your future self, chip away at a free online tutorial to learn a new skill (because knowledge is a gift), or work on a DIY project. To meet your need to feel self-love through physical touch, stretch while your coffee is brewing, dry brush and moisturize your skin with oils, or establish a skincare routine that makes you look and feel like a million bucks (with bang-for-your-buck products).
Be intentional
The goal with self-love is to wholeheartedly believe that you are deserving of unconditional love and care every day—it’s not dependent on how you look, whether you get a promotion, or when you find a partner. But knowing this is one thing; living it is another. But by building daily self-love practices that consistently honor your self-love love language, like journaling, meditation, and mindfulness, you can interrupt old ways of thinking and reinforce the belief that you are worthy and valuable. In fact, research has shown that mindfulness is associated with elevated self-esteem, higher levels of happiness, and lower anxiety and depression symptoms—factors that make it easier to practice self-love.
Remove limiting beliefs
When prioritizing self-love, feelings of guilt or resistance are expected to come up, such as prioritizing yourself is wrong, or we should be “selfless.” Dr. Singh conveyed that the first step to overcoming those feelings is to recognize that self-love is not an act of selfishness but rather a necessity. Papa agreed, saying that reframing self-love as an investment with narratives like, “Caring for myself benefits everyone in my life,” or “Rest gives me the capacity to show up for my loved ones,” can help you develop a more healthy internal dialogue about taking care of yourself.
Like with any skill, the more time you dedicate to looking after yourself (read: consistently practicing the small, simple self-love rituals that speak to you), the more it’ll come naturally. To follow through on your commitment to self-love, do what you say you’re going to do (e.g., start the day with positive self-talk, learn a new skill, or stretch every.single.day.). By keeping the promises you make to yourself, you gain confidence and self-trust, which translate to self-love. What’s more, treating yourself like you would a friend and being self-compassionate (remember that it is OK to put your health first!) create a ripple effect, fostering balance, resilience, and self-worth.
Experts Consulted
DR. SHAM SINGH, MD
Dr. Sham Singh is a psychiatrist at WINIT Clinic.
